Today I looked at Adela's goofy grin as she handed me a toy Brachiosaurus and told God, "Please. I can't play dinosaur queen anymore. I just can't. I am going to go insane." Wearily I danced my dinosaur up Adela's toy castle and pretended to be brushing dinosaur teeth. Again.
I felt like my eyeballs were about to dry up. Nothing could be so very un-fun as this: making two toy dinosaurs pretend to get ready for bed in a castle over and over and over again. Seriously God, Save me, please.
It was about that moment that Micaela looked at me and gave me a very loud, angry screech. I set the dinosaur down and walked over to her. My mommy-instincts cringed. I took a deep breath and grabbed a plastic spoon to pry down Micaela's tongue. Oh, no. Doctor time.
We spent the afternoon on a doctor's visit as we tried to find answers to Micaela super-swollen tonsils. It looks like a virus.
Sometimes the mommy-life weighs me down. It feels like we lunge from one phase to another. During the newborn phase all we can think about is the day we will get to sleep again. Then we wonder if we will ever be free to socialize when our baby figures out how to crawl, wants to eat everything, needs naps, and it is a chore to leave our safe baby-proofed house. Then there are tantrums and picky eating. We think, "Oh, when they start school..." but they start school and life actually gets more complicated.
Today, as I held Micaela and waited for blood tests, it occurred to me that we never win this way. We never win looking forward to that next phase.
We have to love this day.
Yes, that means loving making snoring sound effects for a princess dinosaur and holding a cranky sick toddler. It doesn't matter if it can get worse or better. We don't own the future and yesterday is gone.
I know it is hard. Believe me, I know.
But just remember, if you are holding your newborn and blinking back weeks of exhaustion; this is the only time in your life that you get to hold your child, so vulnerable, so small, so completely yours before the ideas and opinions creep in and your arms become so much less needed.
If you are tied down by that awkward exploration of your baby, let yourself look in wonder at the thousand discoveries that little one is making today and love that front row seat.
Tantrums and uneaten food are no fun at all, but at this age they are just as enthusiastic about they things they love as they are passionate about what they refuse.
And, as you pack that school lunch thank God that your child has teachers and an open world to go into and a loving home to come out of (not all children are blessed in this way).
This is where we are.
Wherever you are today, find the love in it. This is the only day you have. Yesterdays are memories and tomorrow you have no way to own yet. Love today.
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"...and God was already there with me."