I hugged Adela and said, "It just isn't fair, is it?" Adela's breakfast was on hold as I called doctors. I could tell she was holding back her frustration. By the window, Micaela played in slow-motion, once in a while she lifted a hand and scratched at the full-body rash. Unfortunately, she had reacted to the new seizure medication.
This is not the life I imagined. Sometimes, I take a step back and look at my life from an outside perspective. I see all the uncertainty, the stress, the pain that comes with parenting a child with multiple disabilities and medical issues. It takes my breath away. Typically, I keep my head down and put one foot in front of the other, but this morning I lifted my head. My life flew into review like a recap session of a TV show, flitting in front of me the important highlights.
Once upon a time, this life was my worst nightmare. I'm not kidding either. I once told God to please protect me from my two greatest fears: losing a child and having a special needs child. He allowed both of them to become a part of my reality. Tears came to my eyes and I felt His love surround me. God has always known more about me than I do. He knows what I am capable of. He knows my strength and faith. He knows what I will do when push comes to shove.
This morning I felt so vulnerable, so broken. I wanted to hit the reset button on life and reconstruct a reality that was easier and less messy.
For whatever reason, Micaela has started to have multiple tiny seizures a day. Gone are the awful, long, body wracking seizures that used to last on average 40 minutes to an hour (thank You, God) but these new seizures wear on my mind. We are scrambling to try new medications and look into possible causes.
As I talked to the doctor, I watched Adela walk over to her sister and hug her hard. This life is messy for both of them too. I smiled and let out a deep breath. God knows more about them than I do, too. They are also stronger than I can imagine. Whatever life God gives us, I can trust Him with it. I will stand firm in my faith and to the promise that He has given us a life in which we will flourish.
This morning I want you to know this, too, my friend. God knows more about you than you do.
Take a moment and remember a time that felt impossible. Marvel that God got you through because there was more about you, your faith, and God's love than you ever realized.
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"...and God was already there with me."