I knew that day would be a gut-punch, but that didn't prepare me for the pain.
Since Micaela's infancy, we've been trying to get her on this special list called the Developmental Delay Waiver which would validate her disabilities and make her eligible to receive resources and support for the rest of her life.
It is a big deal.
But even with all of Micaela's medical issues and global developmental problems, she fell into a gray area and the only way to get her on that DD Waiver list was to obtain diagnostic testing after the age of eight confirming her permanent and multiple dissabilities.
Her school is so awesome, the moment she stepped food in school this year, they scheduled all the testing we needed to confirm her eligibility. Thursday was the day that I sat down with the diagnostician to talk about what she found.
We now can officially add intellectual disability to her list.
Even as I type the words my throat tightens and my eyes fill with tears. It is just a label, but it is also true. I already knew it, but it wasn't something that I had to acknowledge.
Later that day, I felt bruised and heartbroken, just like I have a thousand times in my parenting journey with Micaela. I thought about all the incredible friends and loved ones I could call that would be more than willing to lift me up and shower me with love and encouragement just as they've done a million times. However, I just couldn't summon the energy to say, "Hello" and have to explain all the numbers and assessments I had read through a couple hours before.
So, I begged God, to fill me with all the strength and hope I needed to lift my head again. And, I could almost hear His voice as He whispered, "That girl is the only pep talk you need."
I practically ran to Micaela's side where she was doing a tone-deaf rendition of "Let it Go." into a toy microphone. Her eyes lit up as I approached and her song got louder with an epic flourish of hand motions. She was so happy, so alive, so full of love.
She is the only pep talk I need.
When I look at her I see all the things she's learned. When I look at her I'm in awe of her large personality and the energy of her tiny body.
Thank you, God. Since her birth, since her first smile, since the first time I heard her laugh...at each moment You, God, have filled my heart with a hope beyond reason and a love beyond belief.
Is there something or someone special in your life that give you a pep-talk from God?
Just when you get comfortable, start to feel successful, or think that you've figured everything out, God asks you to do something new.
May be He allows something big to fall into your lap or a problem to arise in your family. Or, as it is in my case, He asks you to move forward with a calling.
Talk about petrifying.
I just don't like it. I want a calling that comes with a 9 - 5 clock in and out. I don't want to sell anything or convince anyone of anything. I just want to do a good job. (This is, by the way, what many farmers, ranchers, and entrepreneurs feel 🤷🏽♀️).
About this time last year I felt called to develop a program for women who would like to lose weight and break down the strongholds they have around food and eating. The work fascinates and fulfills me, but as I take the program to the next level, the fear has been overwhelming.
A couple days ago I was out feeding farm animals and watching all the sheep graze peacefully out in the field. We had built the fence and opened the gate, watching them hop and jump and run forward, eager for the untrod ground and green feed. They have no thoughts of their forward feet taking them anywhere but to good places.
I smiled. God loves me. It really doesn't matter what waits for me on the other side of obediently stepping forward. His love surrounds me and allows the fear to fall away. All that is left is faith and, when I stopped to think about it, ... fun.
When all the worry is set aside and we trust in a powerful God who loves us, life is a brilliant adventure. It's fun. Even the challenges and slip-ups included in His beautiful plan are okay, because we are doing it with Him. Joy and joy again awaits.
This week, I'm setting fear aside. My heart lightens as I trust in my good good Father.
What has you paralyzed with fear today?
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"...and God was already there with me."