I flashed the doctor what I hoped was a brilliant smile. "Surgery? Monday? Sure. Sounds fine." Fine. If it takes another surgery to remove that ugly cyst from Micaela's eye then okay. Whatever.
Cool. I got the girls into the car, called the hubby, and texted family. I kept my chin up and the smile in place, determined to exude all the confidence and positive attitude of a seasoned mother with a special needs baby.
By the time I got home I had a headache and a fever blister the size of Texas.
Ok, I'm not as cool as I thought. Not as seasoned. Not as hardened. For whatever reason I can not "Whatever"-myself into a nonchalant reaction to surgery.
Goodness. Why not? I've put in my time. Rolled with the punches. Lived it out. Rode out the bad storms. Why can I not "whatever" away the situation? I dumped tylenol into my hand and pursed my lips.
Then I sighed. Okay, I'm not there yet. Ha. I'm not to the point where I can brush off a routine surgery. I'm just not. Have I disappointed God with my fears?
As soon as I asked that question the answer came. No. God isn't disappointed when life brings us things to fear or dread. Fear is normal. It shows what we care about. What isn't okay is when we don't rely on God in these times of need. It is not okay when we decide to hold all that fear inside and handle it on our own, thinking we can.
God wants to hold my hand though this too.
I made the plans for staying over here in Albuquerque and thanked God for providing family, friends, and doctors that keep my family healthy in all ways. I was never doing this on my own. Thank God.
So, Monday, February 1, we could truly use prayers for our little one's surgery. Thank you all for keeping my family close in your hearts.
And if you are going through your own time of trial, don't believe that you have to be tough enough to handle it all on your own. Say a prayer. Grab some chocolate. Call a friend. God is going to get you through this too.
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"...and God was already there with me."