At first it was only a few complaints, but then the list grew. The things that troubled me about being a mother and wife started to weigh on me, to bog me down with anger.
The girls got a cold. My household's needs increased with paperwork, therapy, gardening, and family events added to my agenda. My writing stopped. There was nothing left. Not a spare hour that was mine and unclouded with exhaustion.
And I was so angry.
When would it be my turn? My turn to eat an uninterrupted hot meal? To sleep without having to be woken up countless times to check temperatures and soothe coughs? Would I ever have an hour that was truly mine again? Ever?
Two months ago those thoughts pinged through my mind like nasty shrapnel as I tried to steal a moment during nap time to work on a novel. As I reached for my laptop and my collection of notes, God halted me.
"No," He said. "No."
I gritted my teeth. Really? Even God doesn't want me to do what I love?
As if He pointed fingers at the turmoil of my heart, I suddenly became aware of horrifically unhealthy state of my emotions and thoughts. I clenched my fists and closed my eyes.
Oh, God, how do I fix this pain?
Back in April, a woman I respect told me that God values our work as mothers and will pay us back for this hard work. That there will be a day when we will have the time and energy to pour into our other dreams.
I hated hearing those words. She meant them so gracefully. She meant them to encourage me. But all I heard was that I need to wait.
Wait to publish a book.
Wait to have my own time.
Wait to start on my dreams.
It was the strangest story to give me hope, but when I fell upon the story of Elisha and the city being raided, I suddenly understood that woman's words about trusting God. In the story, the king of Isreal, and his people were starving inside the city of Samaria which was under siege by the Armeans. When the king is told by a woman that her and her neighbor ate their own child, he is moved to deep anger. He sends a messenger to kill the prophet Elisha. Elisha replies that in a day there will be no more hunger. And it was true. God defeated the entire enemy army by scaring them and making them run away leaving behind all their supplies including clothing and food. Suddenly the people in the city were free and had plenty to eat. They went from starving to having more than enough.
We have no idea what God's timeline is. We can be filled with faith do His will day by day, minute by minute. He knows our needs and He knows His plan for us. Though we may feel starved from time to time, the floodgates will open.
I took a deep breath and told God that I would wait on his good timing. That I would pray for the time and energy to come so I could fulfill his plans for me. From that moment on, the anger left and was replaced by joy. God has me and I will let Him carry me and all my dreams.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.
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"...and God was already there with me."