Adela informed her Abuela and Abuelo (her grandparents) that she had lost her mom and dad. Unsure if Micaela would need another surgery to put her collarbone in place, we accepted Jovani's parents' invitation for Adela to spend the week with them.
That was a very long seven days for me. Hearing that she decided she had "lost us" broke my heart. I could not wait to get her in my arms and hug all that fear away. However, when I landed back on my doorstep, my hug from her was brief. She was more interested in what I had in shopping bags than being wrapped up in my arms (4-year-olds!) and she wasn't ready for my ten-minute cuddle until we had fully discussed what I had been doing while I was "lost."
Events like this are hard for me. I hate seeing my girls upset or insecure. I rack my brain for options and avenues that might help prevent the heartache. I want them to always feel loved, established, and settled. As I watched Adela happily play peek-a-boo with Micaela before supper I begged God to help me keep them together, to keep their life on an even keel. I prayed for less broken bones and illnesses. I prayed for less doctors and interventions. I prayed for normal and gulped back my weary frustrations.
But as soon as I let out that last request I received a whispered truth.
Even this is used. Even this.
I blinked and stared at Adela chasing Micaela around a chair, the room flowered with giggles and squeals, and my eyes widened. Even this.
Life has been crazy for our little family for a long time now. Micaela has been in our lives for over two years and while I beg for "normal" I push aside the reality that God is using every ounce of our lives for something amazing, something good.
It is hard, isn't it? Life crashes through our windows with so much we would rather do without. We feel cheated by the illnesses, the financial crisis, and the losses. If we could weed out all the bad with our bare hands our palms would be filthy with the dirt of everything we want out of our lives. But it is in the ugly that we see most clearly the perfect beauty of God's power.
I am just praying tonight that I can see it all a little better through His eyes. I am praying for faith that He is in control. I am praying for the hope that it will all be in His perfect will. I am praying for joy to settle deep in my soul as I live this crazy life in the love of my perfect Heavenly Father.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
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"...and God was already there with me."