I felt so weary. The road stretched out under the headlights as the windshield wipers rubbed and swished the slushy mixture off the windshield. In the back seat, the girls had refused to fall asleep and were restlessly playing games in the dark.
My heart seemed to pulse in my ears. I gripped the steering wheel and kept vigil on the road, determined to get us home, safe and sound, in one piece, and in time for Micaela to get her medicine without having a reaction.
I look back on those hours now, and I still hurt. Did you know, I couldn't even pray? Thankfully, I had friends and family covering us with prayer as we traveled, but I was so upset with myself that I couldn't even ask God for more than protection and forgiveness for my mistakes. I felt like the road and the weariness were mine to accept, to bear, to wear.
I was still hurting hours after we got home and the girls fell asleep. Micaela, blessedly, did not have any seizures even though she received her medicine so late. I sat in a chair in the living room and rocked, refusing to go to sleep, keeping vigil on the baby monitor as she slept. It was, after all, completely my fault that the medicine had been forgotten at home and that we had canceled her sleep study when we couldn't have it filled or compounded at a single pharmacy in Albuquerque.
These days, I make it a point not to wallow in my mistakes, but to pull myself up and learn and move forward. However, my friend, this one was harder for me. Probably because I have all the systems in place to prevent this mistake. Honestly, I still can't figure out how this slip-up happened except that I am human...oh, so, human. And, that realization, that mistakes happen even when we feel completely squared away, is humbling.
A few of my friends pointed out that God will have His plans for Micaela and all of us, and the mistake was no doubt part of His plans. Perhaps it wasn't the right time for her sleep-study. Perhaps there was a different technician that needed to work with her. Or another reason we have to go back to Albuquerque. I don't know.
But, I had a choice. I could either continue to shame myself and drown in all the things I should have done, or I could simply remember that I have given my life to God.
I really can't be my own shepherd. I still need God. I need Him to guide me, to protect me. I need to take refuge in Him, not just from the world, but also for comfort as I grow. I need to trust Him with the way the road turns in my life, and not shoulder the burden of it all.
I grin as I admit that I am just a simple sheep, prone to wander in stubborn belief that I know where all the green pastures lie. However, really, God knows exactly what we will need before we even ask. He takes His shepherd's crook, and redirects my steps because I have surrendered.
Once you were like sheep
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"...and God was already there with me."