January was an overwhelming month for me. That is probably not much of a shocker when I consider how much I carelessly heaped on my plate. I dove into a new world of marketing a book, I have been furiously editing a novel that a publishing company has shown interest in, I started a new diet & exercise regime, and I continued mothering & housekeeping to the best of my ability.
When my spleen swelled up at the end of the month I felt like the universe was giving me a nice little thunk on the forehead. I felt God lovingly place a hand on my shoulder and say, "You are glutton for punishment, My daughter. Ready to step back into My pace and plan for you?"
As I write this post my side feels like it is on fire and I battle frustration. I want my energy back. I want to be able to sleep in my right side again and chase the girls around the house. And, I'm a little scared. I don't exactly have answers for what is going on. Worst of all, I feel like I'm failing.
Failing at motherhood. Failing at maintaining a home. Failing at writing, publishing, and marketing. Failing at maintaining peace. Failing at improving my health.
I really didn't know if things would be okay again.
As I sat and moped, my mind turned to all the stories in the Bible about the Kings of Judea and Isreal. Their lives fascinate me. They were men with great power. Some of them had hearts for the Lord and their lives were full of happiness and success. Others never turned their eyes to the true God, and they brought distruction on themselves and their kingdom. The most heartbreaking histories of all, are about the kings who began their reign following the Lord, but turned away as time moved on. God never allowed them to move too far from Him before bringing them into account.
I have been busy. In so many of my goals this past month, I have relied heavily on my own knowledge and strength. I have forgotten to turn to Him in all the little worries and the grand problems. I am no king, but God's love for me is strong enough to refuse me to wander too far from His protection.
Yesterday, Jovani took a break between chores to give Adela a roping lesson. Though the skill is a hard one for Adela to learn, her father had patience with her, instructed her carefully, and encouraged her. Back and forth they went. Jovani showed her, did it with her, and then let her take a shot by herself. Little by little she got just a tiny bit better, but she has a long way to go.
I smiled. I'm just like her. God keeps showing me His power, His protection. He keeps walking along side me. He gives me a little room to see if I will keep to His training. And then He has to come back and show me all over. I shouldn't feel upset at the cycle. It is a beautiful example of love.
My frustration eased. It's going to be okay. God has brought me back close to Him and is intimately showing how His kingdom works. It might mean that for now I have less control over my world, but how beautiful that He cares so much that He brought me close to Him once again.
I give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.
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"...and God was already there with me."