Two years ago we had premature twin girls weighing in at about 2 pounds each. They were tiny and fragile. It was not scary to have them too early, it was devastating. The next few months of the NICU I lived in a nightmare as we watched the girls fight infections, viruses, and brain injury. We did not get to take Isabela home. It was around the time of her loss that a hospital chaplain came by Micaela's bedside to hold my hand. She told me something precious.
She said "Sometimes God does give us more than we can handle."
I shook my head. "No, no he doesn't. How many times have I heard it? God doesn't give us more than we can handle. He doesn't."
The chaplain shook her head, "He does."
She went on to explain. There are seasons of our lives when what we are going through is too much for us, all on our own, to handle. And when people try to convince others that they can handle whatever life throws at them, it makes them feel isolated. It makes them feel like somehow, on their own, they are supposed to survive the pain, the loss, the overwhelming fear, the confusion. It makes them believe that their feelings of devastation are some sort of weakness.
There really are things we experience in life that we cannot handle all on our own.
We need God.
We need prayers.
We need hugs and sometimes other people to do our laundry and cook our meals.
We need friends to come around us and brace us up. Or we need family to protect our quiet as we try to sort it all out.
I'm not saying that our amazing Heavenly Father ever sets us up for failure. Our God is gentle and cries for all of our hurt. Do not believe for one second that he has not gathered his angels and earthly souls to tend to your needs. Oh, you are not alone.
Let the pieces of your broken heart be pulled back together, one by one, and glued back in place with the love of friends, family, and your awesome God.
It is okay to not feel up to this. It is okay to realize that you were not ready to experience this devastation in your life. It is okay for this to be more than you alone can handle.
Just let yourself be loved.
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"...and God was already there with me."