I absolutely could not sleep. My eyes closed and filled with visions of the laminated lists and perfectly packed lunch boxes.
It was done.
It was all done.
Nothing to worry about.
But still my heart hammered inside my chest.
There is a mom out there, more easy-going than I, probably getting a good chuckle at my anxiety. I know there are plenty of families out there who make through everyday without spreadsheets and timers on their phones. They probably enjoy each other a bit more than me and mine do these days.
I am simply terrified that something isn't going to get done.
Like, what if a teacher texts me that Micaela's breath smells? Or, what if Adela starves at school because she didn't have her lunch?
While I love my children, a more honest voice inside me confesses my motivation is desperation not to mess anything up.
Nearly at the end of my mental and emotional capabilities, I needed God to speak into my life. For this particular instance a few weeks ago, He used my sister. I called her because she is an organization guru and I wanted some tips and tricks to incorporate into my infallable system. I told her about my insomnia. I could hear the smile in her voice when she told me two things: First, I would get used to this new working-mom routine and would start sleeping again. And, second, I would mess up and realize that life could go on with mistakes.
I breathed out slowly and realized that I had not been allowing God any control.
I'm in week six of working and I am now sleeping again. I have gotten used to the new routine. Also, I have a more gorgeous view of my family supportively picking up the slack. Jovani has become a pro at getting the girls school-ready. Adela is feeding animals, emptying the dishwasher, and double-checking her backpack. Micaela kisses me goodbye and gives me a joy-filled grin as I leave.
The more I give up control of what I've held onto so tightly, God fills my hands with blessings. It is so easy to make plans and systems a kind of idol that edges my trust in God out of the way. The more I had focused on trying to become organized and prepared enough, I had taken my focus off of the magnitude of God's love and power.
Sometimes we have to let go of something for God to hand us the blessings we have been waiting for all along.
When has God surprised you most with unexpected blessings?
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"...and God was already there with me."