It was so embarrassing. I stood behind my little group of students and helped them work through the lesson, but the computer kept telling us time and again that their answers were wrong. The students, stuck on a never-ending assignment about chemical change and conservation of mass, should have been frustrated with me. Instead, they just kept going.
The sweat on my palms grew as I googled and learned and finally figured out the fine points well-enough so that those kids could finally move on.
Ouch. It felt like an epic teacher fail. Or, at least it did, until the next day when they were so excited to begin again-same computer program, different concept. I pondered it as we worked through the questions and challenges (I was more helpful this time) and realized that something about my students had changed. They were working hard, not complaining, and entirely relaxed. Why?
And then it hit me--they were finally having fun and learning and pushing against the challenges because it was okay not to have all the answers.
Oh. My. Goodness.....YES!
Doesn't that feel great? When you are at peace to just forge ahead, and work and not be expected to have all the answers? Just one foot in front of the other.
I was running on my treadmill the other day and listened to the story of Noah. I don't know exactly which part caught my ear, but suddenly I realized that Noah did hard, back-breaking work and yet had very few answers. He didn't know how all the animals would make it on board (God sent them into the ark when it was time). He didn't know when it would rain. He didn't know what the experience would be like our what his life would entail after the flood.
Noah just worked.
My friend, I need to do a little more relaxing in God's answers and less relying on my own scheming and worrying to get me through these days. I'm heading into so much new territory as I start my life coaching business, parent a pre-teen, and navigate all the unexpected aspects of home/work/farm/family.
One foot in front of the other.
I don't have all the answers. And, maybe it is better this way. Maybe I can smile and work hard, laugh and keep learning.
And rest in the One who doesn't change.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
In what area of your life do you feel like you don't have all the answers, but just need to put one foot in front of the other?
Wednesdays get me. Even now. Even today, smack dab in the middle of my Christmas break, I've stalled out, a listless mom playing Uno, finishing laundry, touching the cold glass of the window as I watch the cold front blow in.
I've ran out of steam...again.
Oh, but you should have seen me yesterday. And Monday.
I was a madhouse of energy, creativity, and productivity. I cooked, did Christmas activities, and crossed a lot of coaching tasks off my list as I gear up to launch the weight loss course again in 2023.
And, it is here, on this day, when I can't seem to get my gears moving, that a tiny part of my soul unveils a little mystery.
I always thought grace was for dirty nasty sin or the refusal to root out harmful habits. Grace was for bad words and ugly thoughts.
But, Grace is for my Wednesdays.
Today I'm just not enough. I'm tired, scared, frustrated...I want life to pause and give me a moment to decide my next thoughts, but instead time marches on and I waste it, spinning my wheels almost every single Wednesday.
Grace. Grace tells me I wasn't ever supposed to be enough. I'm supposed to have little pieces missing, the holes where I let more of God's Spirit in, making me ever more beautiful than before.
I don't need to try to mask it with a smile or fill it with a sweetness or a substance that would deaden the pain. My perfection rests in Grace, where I welcome Him.
And there, I am at peace.
Love you, my friends. May you also find grace today for each and every part of you that is still growing, maturing, and healing.
I recently had someone reach out to me and ask that I encourage women not to give up, to keep pushing forward, and to be willing to humbly go to God to receive healing and guidance.
The question was humbling. I am not sure I know how to teach that. I am a little shy about directly teaching Biblical truths. I'm afraid of messing up God's precious word or making one of my precious sister-in-faith stumble in their own path.
However, at the end of the day, I can honestly say, that every true revelation and growth forward in my life has been fueled by both repentance for my stubborn-as-heck-need-to-control-everything and my humility in realizing I am so broken with out a Savior patching up all the holes.
The past six weeks I've been working with professionals to revamp my Weight Loss from the Soul group. As I do the work, I feel drawn to make sure every bit of powerful weight loss advice is grouped with the only Truth (God's word) that will draw them close to the Healer.
Six years ago, I was battling alcoholism. I wasn't all the way down the hole, but I was taking a good look into that dark abyss and begging God to pull me away. He did. It was step by step, healing by healing. Sometimes the next piece to my healing was a podcast, or a verse, or a Sunday morning message. Every ounce of strength to break free from those habits, came day-by-day and sometimes hour-by-hour.
Later, when I battled my emotional eating and unhealthy eating patterns, I realized that life is too short to run to anything for temporary pleasure or comfort when I am having to trade off mental peace and space that could be used for God's better purposes. Plus, God must smile each time I declare that His presence is more perfect than a piece of candy. I feel Him hold me tight when turn to Him instead of another taste because I'm feel torn by the stress of life.
But, how do I teach this? On some level, I can't. Each precious woman must discover this on their own. Like me, they must fail forward and fall into God's arms. They must got to Him for the strength to keep fighting to uproot strongholds.
And I, I want to fight for them too.
I knew that day would be a gut-punch, but that didn't prepare me for the pain.
Since Micaela's infancy, we've been trying to get her on this special list called the Developmental Delay Waiver which would validate her disabilities and make her eligible to receive resources and support for the rest of her life.
It is a big deal.
But even with all of Micaela's medical issues and global developmental problems, she fell into a gray area and the only way to get her on that DD Waiver list was to obtain diagnostic testing after the age of eight confirming her permanent and multiple dissabilities.
Her school is so awesome, the moment she stepped food in school this year, they scheduled all the testing we needed to confirm her eligibility. Thursday was the day that I sat down with the diagnostician to talk about what she found.
We now can officially add intellectual disability to her list.
Even as I type the words my throat tightens and my eyes fill with tears. It is just a label, but it is also true. I already knew it, but it wasn't something that I had to acknowledge.
Later that day, I felt bruised and heartbroken, just like I have a thousand times in my parenting journey with Micaela. I thought about all the incredible friends and loved ones I could call that would be more than willing to lift me up and shower me with love and encouragement just as they've done a million times. However, I just couldn't summon the energy to say, "Hello" and have to explain all the numbers and assessments I had read through a couple hours before.
So, I begged God, to fill me with all the strength and hope I needed to lift my head again. And, I could almost hear His voice as He whispered, "That girl is the only pep talk you need."
I practically ran to Micaela's side where she was doing a tone-deaf rendition of "Let it Go." into a toy microphone. Her eyes lit up as I approached and her song got louder with an epic flourish of hand motions. She was so happy, so alive, so full of love.
She is the only pep talk I need.
When I look at her I see all the things she's learned. When I look at her I'm in awe of her large personality and the energy of her tiny body.
Thank you, God. Since her birth, since her first smile, since the first time I heard her laugh...at each moment You, God, have filled my heart with a hope beyond reason and a love beyond belief.
Is there something or someone special in your life that give you a pep-talk from God?
Just when you get comfortable, start to feel successful, or think that you've figured everything out, God asks you to do something new.
May be He allows something big to fall into your lap or a problem to arise in your family. Or, as it is in my case, He asks you to move forward with a calling.
Talk about petrifying.
I just don't like it. I want a calling that comes with a 9 - 5 clock in and out. I don't want to sell anything or convince anyone of anything. I just want to do a good job. (This is, by the way, what many farmers, ranchers, and entrepreneurs feel 🤷🏽♀️).
About this time last year I felt called to develop a program for women who would like to lose weight and break down the strongholds they have around food and eating. The work fascinates and fulfills me, but as I take the program to the next level, the fear has been overwhelming.
A couple days ago I was out feeding farm animals and watching all the sheep graze peacefully out in the field. We had built the fence and opened the gate, watching them hop and jump and run forward, eager for the untrod ground and green feed. They have no thoughts of their forward feet taking them anywhere but to good places.
I smiled. God loves me. It really doesn't matter what waits for me on the other side of obediently stepping forward. His love surrounds me and allows the fear to fall away. All that is left is faith and, when I stopped to think about it, ... fun.
When all the worry is set aside and we trust in a powerful God who loves us, life is a brilliant adventure. It's fun. Even the challenges and slip-ups included in His beautiful plan are okay, because we are doing it with Him. Joy and joy again awaits.
This week, I'm setting fear aside. My heart lightens as I trust in my good good Father.
What has you paralyzed with fear today?
I bit my lip and started the prayerful negotiation. "God, I can't sabbath this weekend. I have a cold. I'm way behind in all my work. The girls need things. I have to get stuff done. I promise, I'll get back to setting aside a day of rest as soon as I get through this course...and things slow down at school...and the garden isn't growing...and..."
I thank God He made the discomfort of my soul sharp and unrepentant. I knew, even as I haggled, that to disobey I would be saying that I didn't trust God.
I would be saying that I didn't trust God with the work He has given me. I would be saying that I didn't trust God's big picture for my life. I would be saying that I didn't trust God's promises. I would be saying I didn't trust God to be sharing truth when He told us over and over that a day of rest is crucial for our life.
So, I held my breath, shut one eye, and closed my computer at 4pm on Saturday evening.
Jovani was away for the weekend, studying for two major exams this week. The moment I stepped away from my computer the girls swarmed me like happy little bees, full of ideas to watch movies and eat waffles and snuggle in our pajamas.
Immediately I was so glad I said, "Yes." to God.
The next 24 hours were full. We stayed home from church with our suspicious sniffles, had coffee with my dad, made pasta, watched TV, sang songs, and read books. It was beautiful and restful. My heart filled with joy, the joy that comes when you rest in God's promises, no longer required to carry the burdens of life alone.
So far, the week has been blessed by our Sabbath, just as God promised.
What surprises or blesses you when you take a day of rest?
The garage felt cold as wrapped my arms around my waist and sobbed. The last kitten had died. Each one had died the same way. By the time the third and last one grew sick, I had known the end would come,but I had prayed and hoped and kept showing up to care for them. Our best guess is that they either had some sort of birth defect or a contagious virus or bacteria. It hurt so much to watch them die.
Those kittens were an extra burden for three and a half weeks. I had imagined the hard work would be worth it. I had envisioned the sweet, fluffy cats they would grow into. I had enjoyed watching Micaela pet them, Adela feed them, and even my students in my classroom help care for them. Their end hurt. And it felt so frustrating.
It made me ask that old question, “Why did I even try?”
We ask ourselves that question about a lot things. You know the things: the ones that are beyond our abilities, the ones that are beyond our resources, the ones we have never succeeded at, the ones that everyone tells us aren’t worth it or aren’t right for us.
But, then we try anyways.
And sometimes we fail.
In that sad moment, alone in the garage at 1:00am, I felt the darkness of the world swirl around me. Everything felt hard. Everything felt like too much.
God must have been waiting for that moment, for me to fall hard, for me to be still, so that He could hold my hand and promise me that He wastes nothing.
More than that.
He rejoiced in every moment He watched me and my daughters and my students care for small and fragile kittens that He created.
He rejoiced at the lessons in perseverance and tenderness.
He rejoiced at the love those little ones were shown.
He rejoiced at the ways our hearts expanded and accepted our service.
God, celebrated our journey the whole time for three and a half weeks.
There are so many things I’ve done or tried that failed. I have such the terrible tendency to want to grab a big fat sharpie and scribble over the mistake, blotting it out so that it can’t be seen or understood by others. And, so much of my life has been this frantic rushing to work harder so that the blemishes are forgotten or so far in the distance that they cannot be recalled. I don't know if the kittens' end was my fault or not, but I know it was not the outcome I fought for.
Those kittens lived, were loved, and then they died. That was it, it was their whole journey. But, when my desire to throw it all away, blot it out so it doesn’t blemish my heart, I miss out on seeing just how amazing the experience was and how it changed my soul. Another moment in my own journey, one step closer to heaven.
Sorry if this blog post today seems sad. I know you all hurt, too, and wish certain journeys had never been taken. But God is on your journey, He goes before you and He walks with you. He rejoices as you grow. Our souls are more beautiful to Him than any success we could ever have. He loves us. He loves me. He loves you.
We should love ourselves that way too.
Yesterday I ran outside because I literally didn't know what to do with myself.
I was completley overwhelmed. With work as a teacher starting up next week, Adela's baptism on Sunday, and some projects that I promised would get done before summer ended ... I just didn't know where to start. I had a horrible sinking feeling that I wouldn't get it all done at all.
So, I ran outside with my socked feet stuffed into my thong sandals (I don't know why I do that) and walked up and down the drive way. I prayed and cried and asked God to please just write down a list of what He wanted from me so that I could stop being confused and disappointed in myself all the time.
All the time.
Because at the end of the day, the list felt like a big fat sign that I had messed up. That I had messed up the summer. Maybe I was doing all the wrong things. Maybe I wasn't on the right track. Maybe my family wasn't on the right track. Maybe I wasn't what and who I was supposed to be and needed to trim corners of my heart to fill the space that others expected of me.
My eyes lifted to the sky and I finally saw the approaching storm, the warm moist wind filling my face and nose.
I love storms. It feels like watching a force of God approach, full of power and promise.
So I sat on an old blue tractor and wiped tears from my face.
A bird, a simple barn swallow, flew in front of me and perched on the power lines. "Look at the birds. They do not plant or harvest or store food in barns and your Heavenly Father feeds them." Matthew 6:26. I stared at the bird. It didn't need to worry and God promised me that I was more valuable that it. That silly little barn swallow.
That barn swallow also didn't need to be anything but himself. He just had to be. To live.
"Oh, God," I breathed. "Me, too?"
He whispered back into my soul. Yes, you, too, Lora. You just need to be.
The fog, confusion, and fear cleared. I smiled. I even felt a little foolish.
I am me.
I have a ridiculous passion to improve things, to teach, to watch people grow, to figure out systems, to find the fullness in life every breath of my life.
Oh, goodness, how I suddenly loved that bird. It isn't a smart creature and it isn't worried about it. The more it trusts God the more it rests in God's bounty and provision.
I rose from the tractor when the wind gusted up, the sand pushing me back to the house and my list. I am me. God created me for His purposes. I just need to enjoy the ride, the placement of my soul in the wide tapestry of His love story.
Where in your life do you feel you need to stop striving and just be you?
I was puttinig Adela to bed and she had a thousand words. I tucked a few strands of dark brown hair behind her ear and marveled at the sparkle in her eyes as she told me about the most important part of her day: digging up irrigation leaks with her papa.
The laughter was hard to hold in, I could feel it bubbling up at the base of my chest. She was full of conversation about worms and frogs and gophers, repeating a dozen things she had learned and expressing her fascinations with the process.
And I was so thankful.
It had been one of those days when I had felt exhausted and preoccupied. There had been a lot of phone calls to make and decisions requiring thought. I had felt like a truly terrible mom. I had been so emotionally and mentally unavailable to the girls.
Eventually we said our prayers, sang our songs, and turned out the lights. I walked away and was so thankful for the way God provided love and connection to our active little girl through the simple act of working with her father. It also made me pause.
We really don't have to recreate or construct perfect experiences for our children, we just need to include them in life. Life is already part of the interesting and complex. Life is already full. But so often we feel the need to occupy our children elsewhere while we get life done. As if they need to be compartmentalized into another part of our world.
Now, I'm not saying that I should have put the phone on speaker while I called doctors and dentists that day and let Adela be part of the decisions being made, but there are more opportunities than I realize to include the girls in my life and in my world. There are conversations to be had over folding laundry. There is laughter to be heard as we squish pizza dough. There are plenty of ways that we can be seen and heard.
This realization is such a relief. Connecting with my girls can often feel like another chore, another expectation that is sometimes not met. However, when I invite them into my world and my life, the connection can me more real and deep than the reconstructed moments that are squeezed into a busy schedule.
Thank you, God, for showing me that it never was that complicated. Relationships are about sharing our life with others, including them in our world.
Where do you feel yourself trying to compartmentalize your life instead of inviting the people you love into it?
I pride myself on really knowing my family. I also pride myself on feeling connected to God often as I go through life, but our recent family vacation proved me wrong in the most beautiful way.
Today we're back home with a happy glow to our browner-than-before skin. A couple weeks ago, Jovani and I were gifted five days away at a cabin at Munds Park, AZ. We spent a lot of time outside and laughing. After years of parenting our girls, this is the first time that Micaela's health and the responsibilities of farming and ranching have allowed us to pack up and leave for a family vacation.
I had no idea how powerful this experience would be.
That first morning, we loaded the girls into the truck with the camper in the back full of fishing poles and sandwiches. The mountain air was crisp and clean, giving me that same feeling of climbing between fresh sheets on the bed--restful and waiting. My heart flopped and I made myself open my heart and mind to the possibilities of the morning. I had no idea how the girls would react to a lake fishing adventure but I knew that they were happy and excited and that my husband, Jovani was relaxed and thankful for a break and time with his girls. So, I let the worries about how Micaela would act and agreed that beyond sunscreen and bug spray, I needed to let my heart fill with peace and my mind stop planning out every minute.
As we reached the lake, we began to unload chairs and poles. I held Micaela's hand. The struggling began. She didn't know what she wanted or how to react to everything. She is a fighter and the moment she feels pushed or unsafe, she reacts with resistance and determination to remain as independent as possible. By the time we reached the shore, I was sweaty and frustrated and looking at my watch, calculating how long I really needed to put time in before retreating to the cabin and the sanity of toys and quiet.
Jovani began to prepare poles and Adela cast her first line out into the water. Baby mud hens chirped nearby, their parents hunting and feeding with industrious fury. Micaela, determined to join them, immediately waded into the lake. Distracted by the mud hens, I didn't catch her until her shoes and braces were soaked beyond redemption.
Great. Five minutes and my worst nightmares had been realized.
I began to pray. Just pray for a way to make it through some hours so that Adela and Jovani would be able to enjoy the lake. Then, as if receiving a message from above, I gasped and asked Jovani, "Do we have an extra pole?" A red pole was found and Micaela gleefully took hold of it and began to fish. She was avid, completely fixated on the activity. For the next four hours she hit the water determinedly with the pole and told us she was "fishing".
At one point, I just settled back into my chair and took it all in: Micaela's happy play that was so determined to match her papa's activities, Adela careful attention to her own activities and wonder at nature, Jovani's patience and peaceful attitude as he helped Adela and taught her how to bait hooks and take fish off the line. It was as if I was meeting them for the first time. Something about seeing them away from our normal lives showcased features of my loved ones I rarely see. It was beautiful, a landscape of God's workmanship and His hands in my family's life set to the background of God's mountains and water.
I saw them all out there. All of them.
I think we can get so used to the wonder of God in our normal lives, that we lose that feeling of awe. We lose that attitude of gratefulness. We lose that mentality of serving an awesome powerful God. But, on those days at the lake, I saw it all with sweet clarity as if He was showing it all to me for the first time.
Returning home, I felt new respect for my husband and felt the laughter come easier with him. I also felt as if my girls had grown up more. Not because they had done maturing in the mountain air, but because I saw them in different situations and settings and noticed things about them that I hadn't seen yet.
I found my life and faith and family again out on that lake.
Where and when have you felt your faith and your love for your family refreshed?
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"...and God was already there with me."