Every once in a while (ha, ha. I should say often. Very often) I second-guess where I am at Parenting. Am I too lenient? Too hard? Am I being too cautious? Am I pushing them too much? And I don't know the answers to any of it. I'm scared, bewildered, and angry.
Sometimes (yes, I mean often) it feels like too much. Too overwhelming that I must push them and prune them and make these precious little girls into grown women who will be ready for God's plan. I'm not good enough for this job. I lose my temper. I lose my drive, my energy, my focus. In the middle of Adela's worst tantrum I become powerless.
The deep defiance in those brown eyes breaks my heart.
Every trick is out of the bag. Every tactic deployed. The arsenal is empty and I still haven't reached that place where she will hear me and I can change her heart.
What am I to do now? The fury bubbles and whispers that I become bigger, stronger, and blistering. I can make her listen. I can end this. I can stop this. Because this is wrong.
But then would I be wrong too.
He answers, "Stand firm."
Strength seeps in me. I stand firm. I stay honest. I am unmoving, uncompromising. I love her and I will allow neither her nor I to become something ugly right now.
I Stand firm. Stand firm in all the right and good things that I am with God in me. I cannot be afraid. Love is and will always be stronger. Love is powerful. Within the love you have for that child you have all the patience, kindness, gentleness, and joy that will get you through this and every other moment when you have to stand firm and be a parent.
I stop second-guessing. Stop over-analyzing. Stop letting anger and fear sway and pressure me. I let love be bigger.
I stand firm.
Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.
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"...and God was already there with me."