"I'm sorry, but it seems we have a scheduling conflict," the voice on the other end of the line threw my heart into a nervous pitter-patter. I looked down at my planner and gritted my teeth as I accepted the next possible appointment available and then politely said goodbye.
My stomach sank as my mind assessed the damage. Promises were going to be broken. Meetings would be missed. Others would be rescheduled. Phone calls and texts would have to be made. I hate disappointing others. But Micaela's ankles growing increasingly crooked is a priority and she has to see the Orthopedic Specialist. My heart softly reminds me that I am doing what is right, that putting our children first in these situations is simply the way it has to be, but it still makes my heart cry with disappointment. And worse, my mind keeps trying to find a way to keep other commitments or make up broken promises.
I know I am being a good mom, but sometimes it makes me feel like a failure of everything else.
God, why is there so much conflict with motherhood? Why can't I fill my life with a few other things and be able to follow through on them? Don't You want me to do all those things too?
I looked over the breakfast bar where Adela was building with legos and Micaela grabbing up the blocks to chew on them, and repeated the question. Is my focus really supposed to be primarily on these little ones?
The answer came softly. Their lives begin here.
I breathed deeply when I felt the rightness of that commitment. I am committed to all the teaching, guiding, disciplining, and loving that goes with being a mother to my girls. And right now that takes up a lot of time and has to be a priority. I can choose to put less time and energy into it, but then I will never be able to go back in time and give them everything they needed from their mother during these early years.
Conflict. I want to reach out, be active in my community, be part of my world. Those are good things. But nobody else can be my girls' mom right now.
There are thousands, millions, of moms in these shoes of mine, wondering if they are doing enough, wondering if being a mom is supposed to take up this much time and present conflicts as they try to be more. Take heart. Our contribution to the world is irreplaceable. But it is also has to be right there, with our family, when they need us.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
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"...and God was already there with me."